Monkey Empire Multiplex Movie Mania

BALLOON SLEEVED PIMP. ATTACK!
3 Stoner kids try to defend their parents house from an invading army of undead pimps. Fortunately the basement houses a platoon of Japanese ex-servicemen who don't realise that the war is over and join our anti-heroes in a bloody bayonet and jive-talk finale.

What's right with it?
Despite the low budget and abysmal acting the well telegraphed gore effects prove to be the films saving grace.

What's wrong with it?
Sadly it appears that the producers didn't have enough friends to cast in their ambitious story and have been forced to use several family pets including a Bischon Frise, several goldfish and a large rabbit to make up the numbers of the invading pimphoarde. It almost works but have you ever tried lip-syncing a rabbit?

MY LIFE AS A JOKETHIEF
Film Four funded biopic of award winning comedienne Jo Cauldfield which demonstrates that all you really need to succeed is access to all those joke e-mails that have been keeping office workers amused since 1997 and such utter contempt for your audience that you will quite happily regurgitate them as your own material.

What's right with it?
The routine about similarities between prison and the office just never gets old. And how could you fail to be amused by such classic material as "You know you lived through the 80's when..."

Drama comes courtesy of a macro virus that infects Jo's unpatched Outlook Express and threatens to destroy all her best material.

What's wrong with it?
When Jo arrives at the Edinburgh Fringe and delivers a routine based on an attempt to locate the reletives of a German tsunami orphan in the mistaken belief that it is some new alternative comedy angle is uncomfortable viewing.

KUNG FU BLOODWALL FIGHTMASTER KING
Low budget mastermind Freddy "The Fredster" De'Longjohn's latest cut-n-paste effort plunders some of the most exciting scenes from the underground peruvian gypsy kung-fu film industry and creates a seamless narrative around the tale of a young pan pipe musician forced to use his ancient magical amulet to change form and take on the seven greatest fighters in a deathmatch tournament in the land of seven arenas.

What's right with it?
If there is one thing Fredster is good at it's spotting talent destined for Hollywood. Multiplex aficionados will spot 3 Fast 3 Furious star Voon Womble in an early role and an uncredited turn from a pre-blockbuster Cockleshow Hardy currently starring alongside Tom Cruise in Mister Improbably III.

What's wrong with it?
Don't be fooled, despite a well crafted story the fight scenes have all appeared in uncut form previously and can all be purchased in a single boxset from poundland. A great introduction to one of the most exciting emerging film industries does not quite make for a stand alone classic.