Monkey Empire Multiplex Movie Mania

FREDDY VS JASON AND THE ARGONAUGHTS
Wise cracking razor gloved undead child killer Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) returns in the second of the "vs" franchise. This time he's up against Jason (Todd Armstrong), who has quit adventuring to settle down as King of Thessaly, protected by his magical fleece. Krueger uncovers an ancient rite which would allow him to rain down all manner of stop-motion havoc on the remaining Elm Street children if only he could get his hands on the Golden Ramskin.

What's right with it?
The well crafted dream sequence which covers the duration of the running time is classic Krueger. We're talking black toothed wolves with hands for ears, nursery rhyme singing robot octoganerians, and walls that drip clocks. Spooky.

What's wrong with it?
When Freddy meets Medusa the Gorgon in a downtown Elm Street bar and NOT A SINGLE PERSON GETS TURNED TO STONE! OMG do these people not know anything? How can you just disregard 10,000 years of Gorgon Law? It's like having running zombies, or Judge Dredd riding a vespa. Shit shit shit.

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES
Stephen Spielbergs heartwarming tale of a 20 stone linebacker thrown off his college football team and forced to dress as a woman become to centre half on the girls soccer squad in order to stay in school and make his entire ghetto proud.

What's right with it?
Described by the director as a psuedo-biopic mirroring his own struggle for acceptance as a serious athlete on the 1976 Chinese gymnastic team Spielberg demonstrates that he is still head and shoulders above his contemporaries. His best film since "ET3 - Back In Da Hood"

What's wrong with it?
Despite a brief cameo from Harrison Ford as an archeology student this is not and never will be Indiana Jones IV.

BABY BOUNCER
Eli Roth directs this ultraviolent low-budget piece about a gang of Australian skinheads and their turf war against the family that bought the local pool hall.

What's right with it?
Eli Roth does it again, a fantastically original story which he claimed was inspired by the right wing grafitti he witnessed during a trip he and Ain't It Cool's Harry Knowles took around their local Hollywood fast food restaurants.

What's wrong with it?
Roth occasionally tries too hard in the homage department, in one particularly uncomfortable moment the tension is broken by then entire cast bursting into a chorus of "Hello Dolly", while lead skinhead "Hardon" (Barry Cryer) attempts to emulate a classic Fred Astair and Ginger Rogers dance routine with a bag lady's shopping cart.